Shulamite: “I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valley.” Solomon: “Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns.” Song of Songs 2:1,2
Ok Ladies, I have a very important question for you…Out of the last five times you’ve made love with your husband, how many have you initiated, and how many has your husband initiated?
If you say he’s initiated all 5 that could be a problem!
Now, there are times that Joe and I just start making love because we’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear which one of us initiated it. It just happened! That is even more reason that we always try to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen” if you know what I mean. There are also times that Joe is very tired, both emotionally and physically. So that evening is just a chance to snuggle and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
However, quite often we get into this rut where Joe will want sex more than I do, and so he’s the one who always initiates. That’s where conflict can arise. If I negate his initiation of intimacy, then I begin to diminish Joe’s desire to initiate because it is met with a solid…NO. But that’s for another article. When his advances cease I am left to initiate sex, but there are times I’m not even sure how to initiate sex, because I’m not in the practice of it and I’m dealing with a husband that thinks I’m not in the mood.
Think on this…
For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.
When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.
So, ladies, it’s time we all step up and take a more active role in our lovemaking with our husbands. However, the question remains… “How do I initiate sex?”
Ladies, I would like offer 10 suggestions, ideas mined from both Joe and myself, on how to initiate sex with your husband –and help your husband feel like the most blessed man in the world!
- DO Show Enthusiasm
Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following sentences do NOT count as initiating sex:
We can if you really want to.
I’m heading to bed. I guess If you come within the next 10 to 15 minutes we may still have time to do something.
Do you want to do something tonight? I’m still awake.
It’s been at least a week, guess we are due for one.
Ladies, I speak from experience on this subject…If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too! Don’t be a wet blanket!!
- DON’T Overthink It
Why don’t we initiate sex? I truly believe that because so often as soon as the thought pops into our heads we talk ourselves out of it.
This is a transcript of what often runs through my mind as I think about initiating sex with Joe.
Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. I have had a long day and I am so tired. And he seems like he is tired too so maybe it’s just better if we get rest. It can’t be quality sex if we’re both tired and distant, so I had better pass tonight. And what if the kids wake up? And what if….
I have learned this the hard way ladies. Here is my simple advice…Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, remove it from your mind. Trust me ladies…you’ll be happier later–and you’ll likely sleep better, too!
- DON’T Be Embarrassed
“Good girls don’t like sex.”
Did you grow up thinking that? If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex, and girls just complied, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the order of the marriage bed that you were raised with.
But do you want the real truth… good girls DO want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you!
Think about it this way: Your husband is the only man on earth who can touch you like that. He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around him. You have something that in a Biblical marriage he cannot receive anywhere else. Paul teaches us in 1 Corinthians that our bodies are not our own, but that of our spouses. (1 Cor 7:3-5)
I know that can be a hard transition to make. But begin by practicing little things, like saying to him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel great!” Practice talking about it afterwards, and it makes it easier to talk about it beforehand!
- DON’T Beat Around the Bush
Ladies, this is something I continue to work on. There are many times I will inform Joe that I was in the mood and ready to make love to him; however, it is now the next morning when I inform him of this. Trust me, he is not too pleased on the missed opportunity. I did not give clear signals. I tried to cuddle up and give him “chills” on his back; however, that signaled relaxation, not sex.
Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. This is Joe in a nutshell. He is almost always ready but will refrain from getting any hopes up and thus rejected. So with that being said, being subtle isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. Be bold. Be clear and precise. It’s easier on everyone!
- DO Use Your Hands
Don’t like talking about sex? You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Make sure that you aren’t doing something to relax him, like I shared previously, but instead use your hands to EXCITE him!
Or lead him to the bedroom–but not with HIS hand. You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do it!
- DO Be Creative
Joe has often shared with husbands that evening sex with your wife begins in the morning during breakfast. This can also be said for wives as well. Initiating sex should start earlier in the day. Ladies, text him a flirtatious text or if you are so bold, send him a sexting text while he is at work. Get him revved up early. You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all day today….” You can leave him clues as to what you are going to do to him behind your bedroom door after the kids go to bed.
Trust me ladies, if a thought crosses your mid to entice and excite your husband, do it! This will speak volumes to your husband and will reinforce that message that you are so excited to make love to them. Trust me ladies, they’ll definitely go with it!
- DO Laugh
One of the funniest and best times Joe and I share during intimacy is when we get the giggles over trying to either “do something new” or try out a “new position” that is an epic fail. It’s okay to act like a teenager. Really and truly, you can flirt with your husband! Come up with corny and silly phrases. There is nothing wrong with giving certain body parts a name or identity that only you two share. It really is okay. And the more laughter, the more fun all around.
- DO Be Eye Candy
Instead of wearing your “comfy” pajamas from your college days, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try putting on a teddy! Get sexy and share with him what only he can experience. It is so important to not only verbally flirt with your husband, but to physically flirt with him.
Try this one as well, go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s watching TV. Then walk away, and see if he follows. It works on Joe every time!
- DO Follow Through
This is so important ladies. If you make your husband a promise or commitment to be more intimate, then follow through! If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right conditions.
Don’t become distracted by the TV or the computer. Don’t let work that was brought home redirect the path that was set. If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather than giving other things–the news, the computer, work–a chance to distract you and make you change your mind.
- DO Be Active
Ladies, I’ve written before about the importance of making love with your husband. So please remember this, once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor–at least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. When you’re active, it shows him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want this to happen–by making it happen!
A+ #1. DO Be Prayerful
I said there would be 10; however, Joe and I realized that this is the most important one of all ladies. That’s why I classified this as A+ #1 piece of advice that should be followed first, middle and last. I will daily ask God to give me the energy, the excitement, the drive to be ready for Joe when he is in the mood. I pray that Joe will be receptive and also ready for when I am in the mood. I pray that God will also give both of us discernment and understanding when we are “ready to go” and other issues take over that path. I pray daily that God will grant us the blessing of continually growing closer intimately: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Ladies don’t ever forget, your have something that only your husband can touch, see, and experience. To withhold or deny could lead to consequences that will only damage that intimacy.
Solomon said it perfectly to his Shulamite bride. “You are like a private garden, my treasure, my bride! You are like a spring that no one else can drink from, a fountain of my own. You are like a lovely orchard bearing precious fruit, with the rarest of perfumes;” Song of Songs 4:12,13