Joe and I will tell you with much certainty that sex is a special and intimate time for a married couple.
It’s a bonding time where the two of you can steal away and experience a connection that is unlike any other. There is an intimacy like no other.
Unfortunately, there are many distractions such as, kids, work, sports, electronics, community service and other activities that take you away from fully giving your undivided attention during sex.
We were in a similar place in our marriage and our sex life was suffering.
It was at this time that we decided to face the lack of sexual intimacy we were experiencing. Over many conversations of asking and answering questions we learned that we wanted to be sexually intimate and yet we needed a plan to help us to experience the sex we desired.
Years have passed since we had those first conversations about our sex life. Since then we have made sex a priority and are excited to say that our sex life has never been better. In fact, the level of intimacy we are experiencing now is not only physical, it is emotional as well as spiritual.
So we would like to share 3 simple ways you can make sexual intimacy in your marriage a priority:
That’s right. Pull out your calendar and look at all the appointments you have.
You probably have doctor appointments, meetings, sporting events, etc.
Is sex with your spouse on your calendar?
Probably not because you just expect to have sex sometime during the week.
The problem is that it doesn’t happen. Before you know it a month has passed and neither you nor your spouse can remember the last time you were sexually intimate. Where you both were naked and not ashamed.
Sit down with your spouse, take out your calendars, and find one day each week when the two of you are going to have sex.
You have to schedule sex, if you want to be consistent in your sexual intimacy. This may sound very sterile or unromantic; however, it is necessary if the rest of your schedule is overrunning the time of intimacy and closeness you both need to experience on a regular schedule.
As you go over your calendars find the days and times when both of you can be together.
You wouldn’t cancel on your doctor’s appointment so don’t cancel on your sexual time with your spouse. Think of it this way, if you see it on your calendar in the morning, the anticipation during the day is a new style of foreplay. You can sext your spouse. Flirt through notes. Tease with hints in the early evening. This would help heighten the excitement of sex that evening!
Change of Scenery
One thing that we both began to notice is the routine and location of sex in our marriage. And because of that, over time you get into sexual habits.
When it comes to your sexual intimacy it may be that you make love in the same place, same time, and same position. This is what we discovered about our sex life at that time… Boring!
Break out of your comfort zone for a change of scenery.
Get out from under the covers. Leave the lights on so you can see one another.
Get outside of your bedroom (living room, bathroom, back seat of your car.)
Try a new position that both of you agree on.
What Joe and I discovered that worked best for us is that we began to communicate, yes that’s right, we talked about sex before having sex. The way that we’ve gotten out of our comfort zone has been by having conversations about what we would like to try. Sometimes what we try doesn’t work out and other times fireworks are going off. The key is that we communicate and then try it out. However, remember this, if a new location or position makes your spouse uncomfortable at that moment, then don’t pursue it at that time. Especially if it is un-Biblical, you do not pursue that path.
In every marriage there is a spouse who initiates (high desire-Joe) and one who is pursued (low desire-Kerry).
The one who initiates gets tired of being turned down and the pursued spouse gets tired or finds ways to get out of having sex, right? That was our routine for many years. Joe became stand offish on pursuing and I made excuses on how to get out of it.
So we came up with a new attitude. We decided that we each needed to “retake” the lead in our sex lives! As we scheduled or discussed, it became evident who was pursuing and who would be ready to receive. When our attitudes took a change to serve our spouse by living out and owning 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. We are to give ourselves freely to one another unless we both agree that it is only for a limited time. I do not own my body and Joe does not own his. We have authority over each other’s body so as to keep temptation from our marriage.This application of scripture alone has helped us to better understand each other’s sexual desire.
Great sex doesn’t just happen. When you and your spouse empower one another to share your likes and desires during sex this is when you can experience a deep connection in your sexual intimacy.
Now in closing, we both know that there are many other factors that may lead to a sexual dissatisfaction or disconnect in your marriages. Health, infidelity, pornography, and other serious issues that need to be dealt with head on by professionals. However, for those who are just too busy and have wandered away from intimacy in your marriage, start with these three simple ways to getting back